You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
