I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
