Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
