we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
