; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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