the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Randomize
