Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
