My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
