I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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