just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
