Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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