i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
