dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
