Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
