its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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