OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
