see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
