Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
