You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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