I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
