Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Randomize
