Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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