I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Randomize
