I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
