She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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