i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
The best revenge is premature balding
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Randomize
