I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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