I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
My vagina just clenched in fear
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
