??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
