I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
