My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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