I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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