Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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