Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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