So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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