dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
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