in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
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