so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
