Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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