a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
