It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
