Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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