it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
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