if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
