I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
