I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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