I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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