Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
