she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
