the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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